So its been a while since I have posted anything. Well the reason is I'm pregnant due June 26. I am nervous being a such a high weight but I am pretty much the same when I was pregnant with my son and i came through that good. I have spoken to my doctor and am going to try to gain little weight this time around not the 40 i gained last time. I have been feeling very very sick and exhausted all the time its hard to focus on healthy lifestyle when all you want to do is lay down and puke.
So last week I had my first gain since I got back on track with my weight loss. It was a whopping 0.2. I did not post last week thinking if I don't talk about it it did not happen. I feel guilty about that because gains are inevitable and I would hardly call 0.2 a gain I mean if I had chose a different pair of pants to wear or took my wedding ring off then I may not have gained. But over the week I let that measly 0.2 get a hold of me. The bad thoughts started to creep into my head. I stopped exercising and tracking my points. Next thing I knew I'm sitting on the couch eating a bag of potato chips. Good thing I came to my senses in the nick of time got right back on track and had a 1.6 loss this week.
Well another week has passed and I'm happy to report I am down another 3.4 this week. That makes it a total of 16.4 pounds. Had a bit of a stressful week so I was not sure I could pull off a big number. I had what I have self diagnosed myself with a panic attack. I was at work when my heart started racing I was feeling panicky and almost fainted (in a class full of 6 year olds) Well it passed and I have not had an "episode" since. Work has been very stressful. I am working with a very challenging boy who does not listen and throws a fit on average of once every 20 minutes. And the classroom teacher always gives me looks like why can't you control this kid. I have been planning on transferring schools so I am just waiting for the postings to come out and getting stressed about starting at a new school. Anyway I am happy with my weight loss this week. It's so good to finally see big numbers. I thought I had run out of them.
I took a long hard sometimes embarrassing reflection on my previous weight loss attempts this morning. I am absolutely astonished how many times I have started lost 30-35 lbs and quit. It apparently is my cycle I join get really motivated and start losing. I remember how good it feels to see and feel the weight come off. With every pound I drop I gain a little more self confidence. I am not interested in fast food or chips I have my sights on the finish and nothing can stop me. Then I trip and crash to the ground. And the thing that gets me its always one bad choice that unravels all my hard work. One trip to McDonald's and three months later I am back to where I started with a few extra pounds for a souvenir. The thing that bothers me the most is the question "will I ever beat it?" Will I ever come to a point in my life where I can have McDonald's and the next meal move on? Its like a drug addiction I have a little taste and I'm in full blown relapse. I want more and more. Will I ever beat it?
Big week for me. School started so that means I'm back to work and I had a 4lb weight loss this week. I am happy to be back to work because when I'm busy is when I do best on my program. Sitting at home all summer bored makes it to tempting for overeating and late night snacks. I feel I concentrate more on healthy lunches and breakfast something I do not do in the summer. The down side to being back to work is the self conscious part of me really shines through. When you work in a school full of skinnys its hard to feel good about yourself. I am always worried that my clothes don't look like they fit or my worse fear that one of my students will make a comment about my weight. I'm in a class full of grade ones and it would be easy enough for one to innocently make a comment. Oh and don't get me started on class pictures.
Had my weigh in today and like I said lost 4lbs I am thrilled to finally pull off a big number. I was so worried that I had no big numbers left in me to pull but I did it. It helps build my confidence when I am doing well.
I have a son he is 18 months old and in perfect health. Why is he healthy? Because I have taken the time to ensure he is getting proper nutrition. He eats whole grains, veggies, fruits I am completely aware of what is going into his body. So why did I not give myself the same consideration. While he was eating grilled chicken and veggies I was eating potato chips for dinner. While he was running around playing in the yard I was sitting on the sidelines. When I was pregnant with him I added good stuff into my diet so he would be healthy and grow. But as soon as he was born I gave up the good stuff. Its not only my son, I spend countless hours a week house cleaning taking care of the environment I live in. I put oil in my car (well not really but it fits with what im trying to get across her in my little rant) to make sure its running properly. I spend all my free time at work looking for better ways to educate my students. But I cant take time for myself?
Today was my weigh in day and I lost -1.6. I am happy I lost but still feel disappointed I have not had that one major loss I always do at the start of my many many many weight loss attempts. I took a look back at my journals and noticed I have not been eating all my daily points. So that is my goal this week to eat all my points. Today was the first day and it was hard. By 9:00pm this evening I still had 15 points left so I have been eating non-stop and dumping flax seed on everything to boost the nutritional value and calories. Anyway enough with the technical talk. I am starting to worry about next week. I work with the school board so i go back on Tuesday and worry about how I will eat healthy and get in my exercise. I find it hard in September because just in the distance I see Christmas and with Christmas is 20 lb weight gains. Christmas is my Everest.
I have known my husband for 8 years and for the first time ever he called me fat tonight. Actually the exact quote was a fat C*nt. Out of all the screaming matches we have ever had that was the first time that has come out. Its not like I have never been called fat before, 5 years ago I worked in a group home for troubled teens and received my share of fat comments. But to hear that from the person who is supposed to love you. To know that after everything you have been through with this person when it comes down to it all they see is FAT. Soon after he immediately tried to back track I did not mean it, your not fat blah blah blah. But come on its like calling the sky blue then going back and trying to say it isn't. I live my life hating the way I look, I go out and I feel so self conscious, I worry about what people think and say about me. My solitude has always been my home never having to feel ashamed of myself and now its like I don't have that.
Whew! Made it through another weekend and stayed on program. I don't know why weekends are so hard I mean in my profession I get summers off so everyday is the same routine but when Friday night hits its like my brain switched to another frequency and I want to eat. Everything becomes just that little more difficult its harder to avoid junk food and harder to exercise.
Wednesday I weighed in and have to selfishly admit I was disappointed. I lost 2.8 most people would call that an accomplishment but I just cant get excited about that number. It was my third weigh in since going back to WW. My first two weeks I cheated and did not exercise very much and lost 2.4 each week. My third week was the week I really committed. I could not justify paying every week If I was not going to be serious. So last week I tracked everything I ate started going on my elliptical everyday drank water like crazy and I all I can pull off is the same number when I was doing it half ass-ed. I just have to keep going and get as much off at the beginning when I am still motivated because I have been here many times before and know later on the weigh starts to trickle off it gets hard.
This weeks weight loss: -2.8 lbs Total weight loss: -7.4 lbs
Here i go on my 4ooth attempt to lose weight (encouraging eh) well where do I start. Hello my name is Heather and I'm a foodaholic. I have been overweight since I was 21 30 pounds overweight I have battled it sometimes with passion and sometimes not at all. Well 7 years and one kid later I am 120 lbs overweight. How did I get here? I don't know. I sometimes joke about being a reverse anorexic when I look in a mirror I don't see an obese girl just a chubby girl. But sometimes just sometimes I catch a glimpse of me in a picture and reality sinks in. I am obese slowly killing myself with food. I hate it I hate being tired and grumpy I hate shopping for food being scared people are looking at me I hate buying clothes and I hate being the biggest mom at the playground. I joined WW 3 weeks ago and have lost 4.8lbs so far not a whole lot but now I am going to kick it up a notch and I will succeed. I have another weigh in tomorrow so I will wish myself luck.